A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Software Development ⛵️
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.