I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I hate when that happens.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.