The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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stand with me against insufficient seating
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam