Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Getting married soon just need a spouse
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.