“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.