Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
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When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Skills
They got a point!
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.