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Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”