One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
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Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
they really do be looking like this
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.