Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.