Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
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I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”