*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”