*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
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[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?