I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
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Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
how high up are we talkin’?
nice challenge
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
The struggle is real.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.