[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
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Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Proctology is located in A55
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I have so many questions.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal