I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
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50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Waiting for the Charmin
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc