Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
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OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
PARKOUR
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.