Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Milk Cube
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?