Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
You Might Also Like
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.