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The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?