wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Strange
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth