Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Meanwhile in Portland…
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
work smarter, not harder