Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
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[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Boom, boom, ching!
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.