[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
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DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Are you ok, human???
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.