Me, in DM rooms…
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If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
The point of your 20s
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
When you “pspspsp” too hard
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End