The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
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The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
…..pretty much.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Okay, I’m still confused…
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.