I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
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me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box