Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
You Might Also Like
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.