Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Battery falling down a hole
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing