christening a ship with an overripe banana
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HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
“I’m helping” 😅
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Mornin
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”