“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
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How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
can you read it!!??
maan!
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit