Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Doggies just call it style.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”