ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
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Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????