Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud