Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans