I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
You Might Also Like
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.