Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
me irl
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.