Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?