Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
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“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.