The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
CUTE CAT‼︎
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”