I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
You Might Also Like
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
my proudest tweet
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)