Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
You Might Also Like
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.