Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
This is my emotional support knife.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Inside you there are two wolves
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space