The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
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My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.