Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
saving face 👀
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*jazz hands*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.