Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
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my friends when i can’t do basic math
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!