Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
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Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!