If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
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this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.