Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*