you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
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*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Only short people can save us
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!