My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
You Might Also Like
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”